The Hard Questions
Written by Katy Rapson on Friday of the Fifth Week of Lent
A good friend of mine once told me that some years are years of questions and some are years of answers. Thanks to my “early 20s”, every year for the past few has felt like a year of questions: questions of love, career, relationships…faith. When it comes to the faith questions, I’m extra hard on myself because my faith used to feel so easy, so…stable. And because these questions seem so hard, I mostly deal with them by ignoring them. If I just put faith further down on my priority list, I can just find stability in other things, right?
A few months ago, my boyfriend Chris asked if I wanted to meditate with him (something he asked me every once in a while). “Sure,” I’d always say, but would really think, “uggghh wouldn’t you rather watch How I Met Your Mother?” Every time we meditated, it would go something like this: we’d close our eyes and start the timer and I’d quiet myself physically, but refuse to quiet my mind. Instead I’d just follow the thoughts of my to-do list until the bell chimed.
But this time, I was being pulled deeper inward. I fought it, begging to stay surface level, but within minutes, I was silently sobbing, having this inner dialogue:
Me: I can’t deal with this right now, I can’t face these questions. It’s too hard.
God/Love/”I am”: That’s okay, I love you anyways.
Me: But why? I don’t understand. I’m a mess.
When the bell chimed, Chris opened his eyes and looked at me, shocked. I quickly buried my face in his chest and sobbed even harder, telling him what I’d experienced. “Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me it’s okay that I’m struggling so much…” I said.
Chris looked at me lovingly and responded, “Didn’t God just do that?”
God showers us with mercy and love 100% of the time. And honestly, that’s really hard for me to understand, and even harder for me to receive, especially when I feel like I’ve fallen short. It’s easy to think that God’s call to mercy doesn’t include us being merciful to ourselves. But it does, and that’s worth being reminded of.
Questions for Reflection:
Are there places in my life where my lack of mercy towards myself is preventing me from receiving God’s mercy and love?
How can I be more gentle and loving towards myself, as God calls me to be?
How can I be a reminder to others of God’s love and mercy and remind them to be merciful to themselves?
************************
Katy Rapson
Katy is a U of M grad that never left Ann Arbor or St. Mary’s. She works at the University of Michigan Taubman College of Architecture as an Admissions Representative, helping high school and college students find their home in the undergraduate architecture program. She is also involved with other SMSP Intern Alumni in building an Intern Alumni Network and supporting the current Interns.
Email: rapsonka@umich.edu